In the past few months I have probably written 15 posts about Marriage. The post always centered around why I did not want to get married. Except not only do I love Kevin so much I want to hold onto him forever but the next logical step is for us to get married especially when thinking about accepting jobs in other countries.So I have been struggling with the idea of marriage and what it means to me. And as I plan my wedding I've started to research what type of marriage I want (aka exactly what my relationship is like now and with room for both of us to grow and change together) and compare that to what I think marriage 'is'. It turns out I am not alone. Allot of woman struggle with marriage and they write about it allot better than I do.
To start of us I found a beautiful article by Alecia Lynn Eberhardt called Feminist Wives: My Struggle with Wedding Planning. She touches on allot of interesting points (below is my take on the points that Alecia talks about, mostly consisting of one or more sentence rambles, which is the reason you should read her post)
Name change -
something I have contemplated for many years so this one is easier, I like his name.
I never really thought of us getting officially married so he also made this one easier by just doing it. In regards to the engagement Ring - we have a friend they both got 'engagement rings'. It suited their personalities and pretty much as soon as we find the 'perfect' one for Kevin he'll be wearing it even though the wedding isn't until February.
The Wedding day -
being given away. I don't agree with it. I am not an object. So I hope I have found a good way around this so no one will be offended - you can read more about that here.
From that article I go to one written by Laura Bates called How to have a Feminist Wedding.
The engagement -
adding more to what I wrote above. Kevin and I talk at length in this. I knew I didn't want to propose and as much as I struggle with the idea of marriage as I said above I want to hold onto him as tight as possible. I knew whatever he did would be perfect for us and won't make my feminist side go crazy. Oh I did know I didn't want a long engagement.
The dress -
I wish that I could slap every person that thinks it's appropriate to ask "How much weight are you planning to lose for the wedding". It surprised me when a feminist friend was excited about not having to watch her weight after her wedding. I want to be skinny for me because it's the healthy choice not for a single event. I am also so thankful that Kevin's beautiful sister was there. Because she knew what I wanted even when I didn't and I don't think I would have even tried what she pushed me to try. Because of her I found the perfect dress. It's amazingly me, it's modern and I never would have tried it if she hadn't said too. (Thanks Karen!!)
Whose wedding is it anyways? -
He's getting married too so he has the majority of the decision making to make. It's not a 'bride' event. We are doing it together and he is happy to do so. WTF is wrong with that.
The ceremony -
easiest choice for us. Neither of us are religious so anything to do with religion in a wedding was thrown out.
neither of us are speech people so we were happy to throw this out the door.
Throwing the bouquet -
again happy to throw out the door (pun unintended, Kevin brought to my attention)
Then there's this piece called Our First Year of Marriage Truth written by Bonnie from the Life of Bon. The first time I read through her post it pissed me off (like why didn't she know the introvert/extrovert thing BEFORE they got married!). But I decided to take a step back from my personal feelings and reread it. And I am glad I did. Most of her issues Kevin and I won't have as we have been living together for years. But I do want to address a few of her conflicts. Not knowing how to fight fair. Kevin and I fight very differently. He is calm and logical, sit down and have a coffee to discuss the issue (it's annoying...). I am very much in your face, all emotion, yell it out (also very annoying). I've simmered down a bit over the years and realize that yelling doesn't get me anyway. Usually I end up removing myself, spending some time in the bedroom (usually yelling it out in my head) until I am calm and then joining him to logical discuss (this doesn't always happen first though). It is amazing when something is logical thought through how much better off we have become. Though I have to say it does drive me crazy, it is good to work together on issues.
Next up doesn't really have to do with marriage. But it does come up allot after marriage (and even before) - Not Every Woman is "Dying To Give Birth" Zooey Deschanel view written by Amanda Duberman on The Huffington Post.
And lastly Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed by Thomas Umstattd. I don't agree with everything written in all the links I have shared. This link however is something I wish I could share with some of the girls I grew up with. It might have somehow reached them through the chain of Facebook and I hope they take it to heart or at least hear part of the message. As women we need to be strong and make our own decisions. We are not under anyone else's wing and no one else should have the power to make a decision like who you are spending the rest of your life who for you.
To end I have put allot of thought into the reasons I am getting married. I remember one of my co-workers once telling me that you should never say "I love you" to a person who if they got in a car accident the next day and was paralyzer for the rest of your life, you won't stay with. I've been lucky enough to find that. Marriage is one of the few ways we are going to celebrate that.
(Also if you ever think this "I think I have recovered enough from the emotional trauma of planning my own wedding to fully enjoy all things wedding again" maybe you should rethink what your doing...)
Other Feminist Views Everyday Sexism in My Life