From the age of 12 I have used throwing up as a way of control. I learned it from a friend. I learned very earlier on to control how I threw up. I could time it to a convenient time and place. I could also stop part way through, if I was interrupted. A skill that came in very handy when learning to hide what I was doing. I didn't think it was wrong, I just did not want anyone to know. It was my secret and my way of dealing. I am lucky. This habit didn't kill me, though it has put a lot of strain on my body. I believe it is a part of the reason I had gall bladder issues at 21 and had to be hospitalized for a month. I had two amazing people who unknowingly forced me to eat and to eat more than a bag of gummy worms. They are the biggest reason I am still here today. I am lucky in the fact that I found a reason to live again. Everyone always asks in high school "where do you see yourself in 10 years?" For me the unvoiced answer was dead. I have just hit that ten-year mark and I am so not ready to give up living anytime soon.
The other day I caught the flu and for the first time in years I threw up in an uncontrollable manner. Projectile vomiting is unpleasant and a horrible mess to clean. That feeling of not being able to control my body is new sensation. Since I've stopped working I have provoked myself once. It's time to put that behind me and realizing that purging myself is not control.
Written Summer 2014