The Failures I Don't Like To Mention
For every success I have, there's a dozen or more failures behind them. Right now I am in a perfect cocoon that allows me to portray those successes easily, because the failures are easily surpassed. This wasn't always the case and you have seen me pour my heart out before. Sometimes though I make light of serious things or don't tell you about the deep things that affect me. Part of writing my vulnerability and backlash post is understanding that I need to be okay with being vulnerable. Especially when asking it of others. I need to be okay being vulnerable in the things I am not comfortable with.
Like the time I burnt a brownie so bad that we broke a spatula trying to get it out of the pan. Soaking it didn't even lift half the brownie out of the pan and that we ended up throwing pan, spatula, and burnt brownie in the garbage. That's usually where I'd end the story, I'd laugh and say it was hilarious that I forgot to set the timer again. Because that's funny or entertaining and good for bringing about a smile. Everyone burns things, it's no big deal.
What I usually don't share is that I had gotten that pan as a Christmas gift one week earlier and was making brownies because Kevin had had a rotten day. Brownies seemed like a great way to make his day better. Instead I didn't set a timer, then when I couldn't lift the spatula after working at it for ten minutes, I handed it to Kevin. Only for the handle to snap within moments of him touching it and then go flying across the room, spreading burnt crumbs along the way. We ended the night drowning our sorrows in a bottle of wine, that didn't get us tipsy and went to bed frustrated and hungry. Because brownies were also dinner.
It's a failure I don't like to talk about often because it's one that affects me deeply. I bake things, I don't fail at baking those things. Before moving to this space, I would share a recipe almost weekly that I had tried. It's who I am, it's not something I fail at.
Recently I've been watching friends far away go through lots of difficult things. From people passing away to life just being low. I am sitting here tucked into my cocoon wishing I could fly them to my house, wrap them in a fuzzy blanket, and feed them yummy delicious things (that aren't burnt). But I can't do that, the only thing I can do is tell them, tell YOU, that you are not alone.
There are days where we do a load of laundry and turn our husbands shirts pink. (I've done this twice)
There are days where every thing you make tastes so terrible that there's no way you can eat it, so you order in again. (March we ate out 17 times because of this, I just couldn't cook at all, so I made cupcakes and icing and called it a week. I fail at food a lot more than I'd like)
There are days where you don't get out of bed till 2pm. (And then whine about having insomnia for the next four days...)
There are days where the darkness is so dense that we can't see our hands in front of us. Everyday we have to get up and move forward. Sometimes that forward is a downward tumble onto our scrapped knees.
There's this sense that we must always succeed and be uplifting no matter what. That's not life or truth. So I'll ask you, what failures would you like to hear from me? I've been on this earth for three decades now, I've got some failures, but very few regrets. Would you like to hear them?