After the Betrayal
What happens when you feel betrayed so often, that you no longer trust anyone? My focus on betrayal kept bringing me back to my lack of trust.
Who do I trust? And what do I do about those I do not?
It's a sad fact that I don't trust many people. I can list the people I have a fair amount of belief in, on two fingers. I trust them both, in different ways and I still expect it not to last. Something will happen and I want to be able to handle it without destroying the relationships. I want lasting relationships with both of them and with others but to do that, I need to learn how to trust better.
With the realization of how little I trust, I took another look at my therapy process. I've been going for about 4 months now. The therapist and I have moved on from learning my story to deeper emotions and meaning. I know therapy isn't an instant heal, but now I have a decision to make. There are things I have been wanting to talk about to someone, things I've never told a soul. The person who could help me with those things the most is my therapist. Yet as I stare at her during my last session, I've realized that I will never utter those words to her. The whole purpose of attending therapy was so I could get to those things. Not trusting my therapist kinda puts the whole process on hold.
So what should I do?
Find another therapist, and hope that the new relationship will be someone I can trust.
Or continue working with my current therapist and hope that I grow to trust her.
I want to trust. I want to have faith in other people and their promises to me. But I have so much fear holding me back from placing my faith in them. Working through that fear is not easy and I feel as if I am standing at the crossroads needing to make a decision but not wanting to get hurt.