Working Around Fear
Fear used to hold me back a lot. I was afraid of upsetting the balance. I did it once years and years ago when Kevin and I lived in our first basement apartment. I wrote a blog post that got my sister and mother raging. I have no memory of what it was about and I am sure they had a good reason to be angered. I probably wrote with the worst intentions in mind, looking to create a fight just to get the topic out in the open. I would like to think that in that moment I grew, but that's not what happened. Instead I shut down, I stopped fighting for what I wanted and gave in. My fear of confrontation, my lack of confidence stopped me from being me.
I think fear is very similar to anger, in that it has underlying emotions attached to it. Those emotions however, are brought about by previous life events. Causing you to be afraid for similar situations. That situation creates a sense of hopelessness, a lack of confidence, and a crushing desire for approval. The desire for approval is held in check by the fear of upsetting the balance. So even though I hated everything I was doing, I didn't want that fight again.
Desiring approval from the ones we love can make us do things that aren't true to ourselves. The thing we need to realize is that the people who do love us should be okay with us making decision for ourselves, whether they agree with it or not. In the particular case above, one relationship grew stronger and the other fizzled. Both took time to reach those points, mostly due to me taking a long time learning to honor myself. Even now I've barely scratched the surface, I am still surrounded by so much fear.
I am afraid of being me because people won't like the change. Even though this person is a million times more genuine than who I was before.
I am afraid of allowing myself to be put back into a box because it's easier than being vocal.
I am afraid of upsetting this new balance with old memories and discussions.
My anger is connected to my feelings of betrayal, leading me to not trust people. Leading me to have a fear of people or being placed in similar situations. It's only in facing these things that I can move forward and learn to trust.