A Strong Beat

With shaking hands and falling tears I down another glass. I'm drinking for the wrong reasons. Something I don't allow myself to do often. By the fourth glass it doesn't even taste good anymore. Yet I've opened a second bottle, just so I could have that fourth glass. I read a book where she drinks to numb the pain but I'm finding it doesn't really numb the pain built in your head. There's no oblivion for me in the bottom of a bottle. Just a raging migraine and rolling stomach. I've promised myself not to throw up this year. And even in the black cloud of this I refuse to give in to that one strong desire. I've only broken that promise once so far and I plan to keep it that way. 

Drunkedness seems to have become a steady default as of late. I've had more this year than the last three combine. Most times that drunkedness has been for enjoyment, happiness, and celebration. This time and the last were for the wrong reasons. I want the oblivion I'm told one can find in it, but I've a better chance finding oblivion in the pounding of a well versed beat. Music provides the release, current favorite Neverland by Crywolf the Mitis Remix, the lyrics starting with

Will we ever find our neverland
Will we ever be at peace again

I go to sleep listening to it. Tonight, with booze flowing through my system, it's 2 am when I wake up to put those headphones on again. The best invention ever, noise canceling headphones that can blast the sound loud enough to erase all thought. Moving quietly out of the bedroom to sit on my yoga mat, with the sounds of the children chanting in my ears. I stare at the half empty bottle sitting on the counter and note that it holds no appeal to me. Booze is not an oblivion that I want or even could allow if I truly searched for it. It reminds me too much of other things, other people. 

When I am finally ready to let go of the Neverland song, the next one on my list is a calming 13 minutes long Ra Ma da Sa by Snataam Kaur. When I google it's lyrics I discover it is a mantra sung in the language of Sanskrit. The complete words "Sa Ta Na Ma Ra Ma da Sa Sa Say So Hung". The meaning

Sa Ta Na Ma: The five primal sounds representing the complete cycle of life.
Ra: Sun
Ma: Moon
Da: Earth
Sa: Impersonal Infinity
Sa Say: Totality of Infinity
So: personal sense of merger and infinity
Hung: Infinity vibrating and real. (So Hung: I am Thou)

It's soothing, the meditative sounds fill me enough to begin writing. Neverland brings a desire to search out of me. It makes me want more from the bottom of the black hole I've found myself in. Ra Ma da Sa gets me motivated to begin. 

The dance between darkness and light will always remain - the stars and the moon will always need the darkness to be seen, the darkness will just not be worth having without the moon and stars.
— C JoyBell C.

A few notes

- I never drink alone. It's been averaging once a month this year. 
- I got a new haircut and a new photo light. This is my first time using the light, the shadows are kinda cool. 
- The quote on the end I found while scrolling Instagram, it came as I was finishing writing this post and felt like it fit perfectly. 
- While I am definitely depressed, I am okay. I've got support and help. 
- Depression makes it feel like you are alone. You are not.