Steps Into Therapy Part 2

 
I’m just kinda in grief for this idea that I can go somewhere else and suddenly won’t have to deal with it anymore.
— Rosianna Halse Rojas

When I watched Rosianna video on "The Fallacy of the Geographic Cure", all I could think was how great it was to find the words to what I have been feeling. Now, a couple months later, I am working on putting my own words together. Before moving to Wisconsin, I would not have thought myself depressed. Looking back however, there was a definite spiral of depression happening. Since acknowledging I have feelings, my depression has grown into a massive never ending black cloud. 

After my appointment with my doctor, I had to make another call to book the referral to see some in the psychology department. I think that's been the worst part of this process, having to do the calls myself. It's so easy to build a list of excuses to not make the call. 

  • You are so weak.
  • Things are fine, you're overreacting.
  • I'll do it tomorrow.
  • I'll do it Monday.
  • I'll do it after yoga.

Then once you make the call and you realize how many months away that appointment is, more doubts come flooding in

  • Others need this appointment more than you.
  • It's so far away you'll be better by then.
  • You're fiiiiiiiiine.
  • You're fine. 
  • YOU ARE FINE.

The voices inside our head can be so powerful. They sound like my mother, they shout like my father. They rage like my aunt. They pout like my grandma. They sting like a best friend telling you that she hates you. 

There's 76 days from the time I make the appointment to the time I get to go in. Google searches are impulsive at this point. I search for how to cope, how to get better on my own, and WTF I should do. I watch dozens of YouTube videos on therapy appointments and mental health.

One of the best things I find (that's not a bloody gratitude journal) is writes like a girl Depression Tracker. It's a free printable that's pretty. However I don't work well on paper, so I make a spreadsheet that I can access on my phone, and I begin to track. Next, I find the Recovery Diary. I debate on buying a few for some people I know and I add many of the things shown on the recovery diary to my tracker. It's a start. 

Now my appointment is 50 days away. I feel like I am going insane and I turn to writing, reading, and yoga. I write about my vacation fears, a book, and eating. I start doubling up on yoga sessions, taking two classes on Fridays and some Saturdays. Also, less yin classes and more flow. I push and push and push. My body aches and is covered in bruises (I bruise easily when working out).

Suddenly, vacation is here. All my feelings are buried deep while I try to pretend everything is okay for family and friends. Then vacation has past and it's time for that appointment. The count down is over and it's the night before. 

Like I'm going to sleep...

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NOTE: This is part two of a five part series, posting every Friday in September.