Insomnia Because Food Sucks
Hello again 2 am. I want to say I don't know why I am awake, however this month I know the exact reason as to why sleep is not happening. It makes me ache knowing I am directly causing my insomnia and yet I can't seem to prevent it. My burning eyes, moodiness, and 2 or 4 or whatever wake up times are all a direct result of food. Or the lack of it.
A comment equated my level of "fatness" to a "compliment" that was more harmful than complimentary and it set me off. So yea, thanks buddy, now I'm consciously starving myself even though logically I know that makes everything worse. Actually is it subconsciously?? I am aware of the whys, but the act of eating (doesn't matter what it is) tends to result in me feeling terribly ill, so I avoid by not eating. Or eating a single bite of a perfectly good meal and then turning my nose up at the rest because my stomach has turned. Even my usual pick-me-up (marshmallows) is unappealing.
I am consciously aware of what I am doing, but I am unable to stop the subconscious reaction. Does that even make sense?
I hate food. I hate that it smells so damn good. I hate that I crave protein and that I can't just live off of fruit. I hate that I can make the most amazing thing ever and still hate it. And I've been making lots of amazing food lately, just to try to entice myself into eating it. Sometimes it works, most times it fails. I've been ordering in or going to Kevin's work all to help counter my stupid subconscious desire for starvation. But that also is a sometimes work, most times fail situation.
Waffles with vanilla pudding and chocolate chips or fruit. Grass fed pot roast with organic potatoes. Lettuce with feta and Greek salad dressing. Cottage cheese with canned peaches (in water not syrup). Bread... oh gods, do I miss when bread tasted like heaven and not cardboard. Food is so incredible. And I can't seem to eat it.
Compliments are weird, people. Six little words, months of spiraling recovery. There's only rock bottom or up from here. Hopefully up because I miss food.