Steps Into Therapy Part 5
I have gone to three therapy sessions. A lot has changed and yet nothing has changed.
Part one of this series, published at the beginning of September, was originally written around the same time as Down the Rabbit Hole. I was drowning in grief over lost but still here family and I needed help to move past that. It was 76 days until I could actually see a therapist and during that time I compiled part two. Part three was the paper work and four I was finally in the door and meeting my therapist for the first time. That post ended with more positivity than the rest. It was not as full of anxiety either and it ended with a question asking after your mental health. I truly do want to know how others are doing. I don't feel like people listen to those answer enough or want to hear about people's mental health. The weirdest part of therapy is having an entire hour to selfishly talk about myself and my thoughts only. That time is not shared with the other person in the rooms emotional battles, it's just mine. Being truly heard is weird. She has no idea what the people I talk about are like, except for what I tell her. So her solutions are always for me with no outside influences. I think everyone needs to be heard in this way.
Therapy has been good. But it also came too late.
I needed emotional help within a week of me first sending that email. 76 days was too long to wait. I had moved on. I coped, I found books to read that helped me grow. I hit my yoga mat harder than before. I pushed myself past it. Yes I am still anxious and I do think speaking to a professional has be really helpful, but since coming home from vacation and getting back into my normal schedule, I've been balancing out. My anxiety levels are still higher than a typical person (I'm at about a 5 or 6 depending), but it's low for me. After three therapy sessions, I almost feel like there is no point to it anymore. I still feel like I don't need therapy and that I am wasting both of our time.
Almost feels like there is no point, because bouncing ideas off of someone, is good. Realizing that I'm anxiously running 5 different scenarios for future events, that are further and further away and are completely pointless to run dwell on, is good. Being given unbiased thoughts by someone completely unconnected to my world, is good. Acknowledging that I am good, is good. Acknowledging that feelings are okay to have, express, and grow from, is good.
So I will keep going. I'll keep building on my foundation so that triggers are not as decapitating. I'll probably move a lot slower than she would like, but I'll be moving. And I'll probably keep writing about it too but maybe not weekly. I don't think therapy is a three session cure. I think it's a lifetime of work. One day, when I am ready, I will take my box that started the down the rabbit hole post have her help me filter through the emotions.
Don't wait to start like I did.
Being an emotional roller coaster is not healthy and we can do something about it. I realize that in person therapy is not possible for everyone and Sarah Hawkinson addresses that and other issues really well in her Online vs In Person Therapy video. Don't wait, make the call.
Lastly here are some thoughts I've had before, during, and after a therapy session
- She has a chair and a couch which is the better one to sit on? Does it say something about me if I choose one over the other? If I sit on the couch that looks comfier than the chair, will she sit beside me?
- I think my therapist Googled me.
- When you have to take a moment because she tells you she used to play D&D. And then you realize that you want to know as little about her as possible, because you need this to be professional, but you are so curious.
- When you ask her to define healthy food because you are pretty sure marshmallows don't count but you just want to double check. (this comic offers up a great question regarding marshmallows)
- When she asks how much you read and you ramble about 100 book goals and making sure every few books is something not fiction. And after rambling for a bit you stop talking and take a look at her, she has this weird look on her face like you just sent all her suggestions flying out the window.
- When she's asks how your toe is doing and your confused as to how she knows you sprained it? Did she see your instagram post? And then she explains that anytime you visit a doctor she gets notified and vice versa, so that my doctor and her can work together as a team. Still undecided whether this is creepy or handy.
- When you are worried you have nothing to talk about in therapy and then you ramble so much that you go 16 minutes over the allotted hour, invading someone else's time and basically your worst nightmare.
- Having the same crushing doubts mentioned in part two and three before each appointment. But each time, except the first, feeling lighter when walking out, even when invading someone else's appointment time.
NOTE: This is part five of a five part series, posting in September.
Let me know if this is a series you'd like updates on in the future.
Please take care of yourself.