I Broke Up with My Therapist
My fourth therapy appointment I got the times mixed up and missed the appointment. Two weeks later I finally got a retry and I walked out of that appointment so very frustrated.
My therapists response to my struggles to eat was to take an hour to eat a single raisin. To take that hour and use all the five senses to slowly and methodically eat it. First what does a raisin look like; it's wrinkles and edges. Then touch, how does the raisin feel in your hand, what's the texture like. Then sound, does it make any sound when you hold it to your ear or drop it back on the table. Now smell, what does the raisin smell like, how is it different from a grape. Finally after doing this for a good half an hour, place it on your tongue and roll it around. What does it feel like, what's its texture. The last step is to bite in it and take minutes to chew that stupid little raisin, enjoy all your senses coming alive! Enter eye roll here.
This exercise might be helpful to some, but not to me. It didn't feel like she listened to me at all and beyond that, I hate raisins. Their texture, their taste, gross. Not my thing. That really isn't the point though. Even if I chose another food item to eat and take an hour or even twenty minutes to indulge in it, it would literally be all I eat for the day. This response to my eating would have horrible affects. I need to eat food, not binge, and not starve myself. 1 hour to do anything is not a solution. I obviously didn't explain my relationship with food well enough. Maybe I should have explained exactly what that experiment would do to me. Except that I didn't get the chance because she followed up with
"You seem to be doing so well. I don't think we need to met so often. How about we met in six months and see where you are at?"
And I muttered out my goodbyes and left.
I am so good at being okay, that even someone trained to be aware of these things, doesn't even notice I'm not. It took months of bad, bad moments to finally get the courage to make that first appointment. I have huge issues with trust, something we have actively discussed. I am not sure why she thought 4 appointments was enough for her know everything I needed help with. I had only just touched on the top layer of stuff.
Your first therapist might not be the right one. Your second one might not be either.
At the end of the day, therapy is about you, your feelings, and helping you heal. Finding the right person to help you with that is important. It's been a few months. I haven't gathered up the courage to seek out a new therapist. When I do get brave enough to enter therapy again it will be with a list of questions;
1. Do you take this type of insurance?
2. Thoughts on the above mentioned food experiment?
3. How do they handle eating disorder issues? What is their experiences?
4. Thoughts on a person overcoming trust issues?
5. Thoughts on doing weekly appointments until I feel a relationship founded in trust that will allow me to go deeper?
6. Thoughts on religion? On cults?
7. Thoughts on helping someone through the past without trying to get them to make changes to their current life?
How is your mental health?
and if you are wondering about the pictures... I missed that appointment because I was having a rough day and was doing a pedicure to help calm me down. Pedicures are wonderful things. But therapy is a much better long term solution. At least I hope it is.