It seems that I am never prepared for change and yet change is on the horizon. Something rash was done a few months ago and I don't regret it but it's stretched certain things far too thin. Now it needs to be built back up and stronger than it was before. All this must be done but it also still needs to allow creativity to flow and cravings to be filled. I wish, I crave, I want so many things it's hard to find order to it all.
Let's see... I crave a finished house. That means finding end tables for the bedroom, a cover for the bench, and maybe a rug. Another rug for the dining room, which is still missing art and at least one more plant. The office should be finished and yet feels incomplete, I think it needs another shelving unit. I worry that the second I accomplish all of this, I'll find something else that needs replacing and the whole process will start again. So while I crave a finished house, I fear that that's an unrealistic reality. Mostly because I want to buy all the plants and that means finding places for them.
I crave more movement. I don't want to run, but I want to kayak, paddleboard, yoga, silks, and lyra. Seeing a trend here? I want time on the lake, time upside down, and time flying. Fall makes water time a little harder but I think a change in membership is needed so I can build arm and leg strength, so next summer I can spend all my hours on the water. Building the strength will also help me fly. This change though means leaving a place I've been for over a year and that is scary. I've finally been brave and found some people, nice people. Yet at the same time I have never done anything with those people outside of visiting before or after class, so I wonder how to move class friendship into everyday life and if that's even possible.
I crave someone to chat about books with. Silly books, deep books, happy books, sad books. Someone who reads almost as much as I do and knows the lure of a bookstore even from miles away. I fear that such a person does not exist at least within the parameters I want. So I guess that means I need to change one or more of those parameters. What are my parameters you ask? Someone who loves fantasy, hates love triangles, enjoys young adult, but loves adult, reads poetry, dives into serious topics occasionally, loves the smell of a physical book and has to use the library because otherwise they won't be able to afford rent. Is that too much to ask for? Heck if you really want to dig in and get serious, it'd also be nice to find someone who has a partner working, so they aren't and they don't have kids. But that's definitely asking for too much.
I crave ink. One retouched and another five added. Yup plans are in the works. Ink makes me feel whole, each piece adds a deeper and visible meaning to who I am. I fear the vibration of the needle but the desire out weighs that. I fear being judged by the person doing the ink for wanting to be covered in words instead of images. I fear judgement for wanting all but one on the left side of my body. For wanting to be able to easily cover them and yet have them all show when wearing shorts and a tank top, except of course that one piece on the right side. Judgement is a scary thing.
I crave financial stability. Technically there is stability but the savings were wiped out due to some unexpected bills and there's still the debt load. I am so thankful that the savings were there and its not impossible to build it back up, but who knows if that will be enough. The struggle and fear that follow this line of thought is the question of, if I could work, would I?
Change is happening and I can feel myself resisting but its all things I want so resistance is futile. One has to move forward.
Is there any change headed your way?
I'm a lifestyle blogger, covering deep subjects including body images, battles with food, and overcoming how I was raised. I try to be as authentic as possible and I don’t sugar coat how I see things.