Self-Care: Self Portrait Saturday
A toxic person, who has recently been cut out of my life, sent me an image that said something along the lines of "If only you could see how I see you." It was meant to be endearing and a gesture of “I'm sorry”. Except that's not what it was. It was a manipulative move to try to sweep the issues under the table and go back to pretending everything was alright. Regardless of how that person thinks they see me, they show me how: in the way they treat me, do not respect me, and do not listen to me. You cannot claim to be proud of a person if you treat them like shit.
I have started a few projects lately that involve soul-searching. It has caused me to remember things that I had forgotten. When brought to the attention of the other people involved, not only are they not ready to deal with it but they want to pretend it never happened, claiming my memory is wrong, or sweep it under the table and forget. I fully understand someone not being ready to deal with something, it has taken me 9 years to get to this point. I am fine if they need space and distance to comprehend the memories I am bringing up. But my memory is not wrong, it did happen, and I am no longer allowing things to be swept away.
I am realizing that to overcome something you have to accept that you might not get the closure you are looking for. When closure involves other people, you cannot help what those people are going to do. The only closure you can guarantee is the closure that comes from within.
As of right now, only a few close friends know of the change in our relationship. This is unusual, as I excepted the person to start a gossip tree and pity party. Instead I have received almost silence besides the one message I mentioned above and one other requesting I keep in contact with children connecting us. The silence feels like a ticking bomb, but I am so at peace with my decision that even if that bomb goes off, I would not change my decision. I did what was right for me.
The interesting thing is that this person follows me on all my social media. It is hard to do a clean break when you cannot actually escape. This bothered me at first. But I think it will be a good thing. They get to read my evolving story and maybe it will help them move away from the “woe is me”mentality they have been evoking for years.
The reasons for the cut are deep and painful and, for the most part, unwritable and unshareable. As mentioned, there are children involved. Cutting this person out means I have minimal ways of connecting with them. From previous experience, I know that cutting them from my life can be deeply upsetting. However, I know no other way of healing myself. How can I be strong for them if I do not know how to protect myself?
For those children, I hope they can read this one day and understand why I left. I wish I knew of a way of doing this without abandoning them. I hope that when they are able, they will be able to use me as a resource along with the amazing group of people I have access to, to help overcome the issues that will continue to fester. I will always be here - a phone call, email, text, twitter, or facebook message away. For them I will drop everything.
While the reasons for me leaving are closed to most people, it will always been opened to them.
Have a Beautiful Saturday.