Today I'm fall-ing
Welcome back to Self Portrait Saturday! A weekly link up of Self Portraits. Sometimes I'll include a story of something from the week or just an image. I would love for you to join me by linking up below or by becoming a guest contributor. For guest contributions please see here. I tried to take December off to refocus and almost succeed, with the exception of this post, I think I did pretty well. I was sent this a few weeks ago.
"Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves." Bessel A. Van Der Kolk
My thoughts on it, are still incomplete and I will do my best to put them together in a sensible manner. I took this weeks picture back in November for an Instagram Challenge. My quote to go with the image was
"Today I'm fall-ing and having fun doing so. Happy Sunday!"
What I would like to tell you, is what you don't see in the picture. First there was the set up of the camera, the lightning. Then the outfit, hair and makeup. After that it was hitting the camera button at the right moment to capture a photo that wasn't blurry and didn't have me looking ridiculous. But those are things you expect to hear when you think of behind the scenes of a photo.
What you don't see, is a girl who didn't sleep at all the night before. Instead of sleep, she cried, again over loss and the hurt that comes with it. Then screamed, screamed because she wants to believe in the imaginary guy in the sky sometimes, but daylight comes and he still is an imaginary bastard. The girl who struggled getting those pants on, because she no longer starves herself.
That girl is me and each day is a challenge. But I am surrounded by amazing people. People who send me love, quotes, hugs, their time and so much more and each day those people help me heal a little more.
The smile in the photo is real, it happened that Kevin woke up as I was taking these photos and came out to me jumping on the couch and caused me to burst out laughing at the silliness of all of it.
I'm becoming whole again and no longer hiding from myself.