At 17 I am lost. I have short thin bangs, skinny arms and round glasses. I wear my hair the same way for almost any event, adding in features depending on the season, like Christmas and the addition of tinsel. I am desperately unhappy but this picture show a very different girl. My graduation is coming up, a day I wish to forget but find myself remembering it and forgetting others. I am deep within the mountains of my mind, my only outlet of writing no longer safe. I boil up all the thoughts and emotions and take long walks to cry out to the heavens. It is there that I discover no god, no friend and nowhere to run. It is at that crossroads I discover that the girl I've tried to be is not the girl I want to be. With the realization of that I spend the next decade redefining every aspect of my life. Through that I lose every single friend I have ever had, my family and my identity. No one understands the path I have chosen. At one point my family comes back and I am elated. Slowly but surely I lose all of them again except one, one precious person who is still so far away.
But we are getting ahead of the story of the girl in this photo. One windy day, she walks into the crippled house she lives in and discovers her mother waiting. She can tell instantly that she's upset and tries to drag out the time she has before it all begins. She offers to separate and store the milk, that she has just rung out of the cow. She makes breakfast for everyone and does the dishes, taking as much time as possible to do each task to draw out but not enough to arouse suspicion. Sure enough she is safe for a while. Father kisses the family goodbye and heads out the door. Mother starts laundry and the girl makes her way to her computer to start school. In the midst of opening an email a book is slammed down beside her. Quickly realizing she's out of time, she tries to come up with a safe lie to get her out of whatever trouble she is in now. Only to realize that the book lying there is her journal and all her thoughts are laid bare.
For a second she is hopeful that, she will finally be understood, a quick look up and that hope disappears. She feigns a response to the yelling, but has withdrawn completely into her own head. The truth written in those journals are claimed as lies and made shameful. As soon as possible she escapes to her room, where she paces about crying silently and screaming loudly inside her mind. Eventually falling asleep. In the weeks following, she volunteers to take the garbage out and each time she goes out and lights that fire a journal comes too. Ten years of writing disappears within minutes.
That girl in the looks happy does she not? It is amazing to me, what you can fake. It's amazing what you can not see. It's amazing how no one heard.
I'm a lifestyle blogger, covering deep subjects including body images, battles with food, and overcoming how I was raised. I try to be as authentic as possible and I don’t sugar coat how I see things.