How I don't think I'm over you
I've done a lot of reading and Youtube watching. One of my favorite YouTubers posted a video about someone special in her life; how they support her, come to all her events, and interact with her fan base. It made me cry. I've done a lot of reading and Youtube watching. I was sent an article called Emotional Incest. I couldn't finish the article, it hit home. I've read articles about sociopaths, manipulation, dependency, gas-lighting and so many topics there's too many link (some I linked here). Things are starting to make so much better sense and yet I am not ready for them to come all together.
I've been an emotional wreck, I have been surrounded by families. Beautiful parents and happy families. And I don't know how to have that. That is your fault, you took what should have been a beautiful thing and made it into a ball of anger. You took advantage of a child's inability to defend themselves. You were emotional dependent on someone who should not have had to seen any of that. Then you abused that power, turning it off and on when it suited you. I am not supposed to be your friend.
But you know what, a single deep breath and I find I still miss you. You still have some power over me. I am not free yet. I miss you being there. Even though you were never really there. On a day (and there's many in fact) when I needed you the most, you wanted to talk about a project and never heard a word I said. On days when you needed me, nothing else mattered but your needs.
Then I take another breath and realize I miss the idea of what you are supposed to be and realize that you will never be that for me. Or for those I left behind. I take a deep breath again and hope I can be emotionally strong one day. I'm not the only one in the world who doesn't have a you. They are okay and I will be too. With every changing relationship there is a mourning period. This mourning is a little different from typical mourning. I have gone from anger, to indifference, and now to sadness. I don't know what the next step will be, but one day that hole will not be as deep and I'll wake up okay.
Written summer 2015
Picture is from 2013, we were cooking in my old kitchen.