Allures of Sleep
At what point do you just stop trying to sleep? For me that's 1am. If I'm not asleep by then, I get up, go pee, get a glass of hot water. Or in this case a steamed chocolate milk. Then I sit here, in front of my computer and start to write. You've seen the result of that writing over the last few weeks. Writing those post has been very therapeutic for me and I hope they have reached someone out there, even if there was no 'point beyond my need to express myself'.
My writing is messy and sloppy. A big part of me wants to blame that on my upbringing. But the reality of it is, I could write better if I tried. My sister writes beautifully. She could have been an author or magazine editor, something writing related and fabulous. But her path lead in a different direction and I think she is happier for it.
My path has led a very different direction that what I was brought up to become. And I am so much better off for it. Tonight though, my dreams are filled with those left and the dangers they face. The anger they feel and in one case expressed. These emotions have built up in them for years. I've come to the realization that at this stage in my life I can not be the support they would need should they choose to reach out. Should they reach that boiling point tomorrow, I can't help.
And tonight, that plagues my mind
So now it's two in the morning and this post is prepped and ready to publish at 7am. I am sure I'll still be awake then. The demons are heavy tonight. Maybe one day I'll be strong enough to help someone else.