Bulimnia 2 (Trigger Warning)
Well I'm here again. The toilet and I have had a staring contest... again
Since I first scheduled my bulimnia post in December. I feel all the good progress I had made has been whipped out by a tidal wave of emotions. While the month of December played out, the post sat there ready to go live January and all I could think about was how food hated me and I hated it. And how freaking easy it would be to give in.
It all started when I blew over half of December's grocery budget on supplies. The irony of this is the only unnecessary thing I bought was a Rosemary Plant for $12.99. Everything else was on my list and something we needed to get our stock back up and the house supplied for making meals. Except then there was no food, because I bought core supplies but still need fresh ingredients to mix it all together. I also bought a bag of chicken wings instead of chicken breast and I struggle to eat any meat with bones in it. So that was a waste of money. :(
And while financially we were fine and I could have just gone out and bought the ingredients I needed. My head got big and suddenly I didn't want to eat. When I did eat, it started to come back up. The issue is I promised myself I won't do that anymore. And I haven't, but the staring contest has begun and it feels like a matter of time.
If I eat real food, my stomach hurts for hours. I hate myself and I want to give in so bad. But give me a bag of candy worms and I'm good. No pain, no desires. I can't live off candy worms like I did in 2005. My body craves more. My body deserves better.
P.S. This feels very defeating especially after last weeks Fierce post.