How I Fail at Friendship
I don't know how to be a friend. I don't know how to begin a friendship. I am good at ending them, I think. But starting a friendship is not something I'm comfortable with. I feel creepy in most of my attempts at friendships. It's also terrifying putting myself in a position to become friends with someone. I have a hard time connecting with people. Especially when my past comes up. I have a lot of baggage. Overcoming that and sharing my soul with people is difficult. I don't know what I can say and what I can't. And it gets harder if they are not a blogger but know I am. Because suddenly I don't know what they may have or may not have read. I've started living by the rule that, if I think it I'll say it. Which can be awkward and seem weird if you don't know me.
The neighborhood I grew up in, had few children. Being the older of the bunch, I tended to be placed in a position of authority with them. I was either babysitting them or directing our play in some form. Once we moved to the farm. I became the under dog and stuck close to someone else in the same place. I also didn't enjoy the girls at the church and found them very snobbish, so I didn't make much of an effort. Communication with boys was seen as bad and usually led to assumptions I wasn't willing to counter (though I learned that the hard way).
In my last year of school, when I went to public school and I again found an underdog. This person is an amazing friend to this day, she has is a beautiful human being. I don't think we're underdogs anymore.
The rest of my friends I met through work. We had a common thing and slowly that grew to something more. Today though, I don't have a good way to met people and when put into social situations I am excessively shy and awkward.
So how do you make friends?
How do you connect with people?
What are the rules of friendship?