Welcome to the fast filtered thoughts and emotions that float through my brain.
Due to moving to a new country I find myself unable work. We moved here for my husband's job and it looked like I could work. Turns out that I can't. It has literally thrown me for a loop I feel like I can't get out of bed. I have no desire to do anything. Tonight he came home and I have continually torn a strip off of him every time he turns around. I feel like a horrible human being. I feel like I'm becoming my mother who yelled at dad almost the second he walked in the door. Except she choose the life of a stay at home wife then mother. I didn't. I hate that I'm treating him this way and I'm lost. How do I change my behavior? I feel like this is all I know.
Because of this I am filled with fear
I have mentioned in a few posts that I have been scared to write. I participated in Blogmas to avoid putting off what I wanted to write. Then someone in a support group posted that quote and all my fear came crashing down. Once the tears were dry. I realized that feat can't hold me back anymore. It's coming and it's all coming out.
I do know that someone who should be valued in your life, looks at you, in your wedding dress for the first time and the first comment is "it's too bad you're not a size two like so-and-so", needs a hard lesson in body positivity. The pain that followed that event is terrible and unnecessary. That the person who said it, lives a very sad life. That their lack of body confidence is destroying other people's confidence and damaging them. I hope to never do that to someone I love.
I baked a cake for my birthday Even though I had a depressing birthday post and not much happening, I wanted a cake. The pictures don't fit the post, but I wanted a cake. The last time I had a cake was my 17th birthday. It was bought. This cake was to be something more. I made it. It represents my pain. I made it. Shared two tiny pieces of it, ate the icing off. Cried over it. And then I threw it out.
It felt good.
I'm having a hard time finding balance between blogging, reading, working out, and Kevin.I saw this on a blog post
It doesn't cost to be kind
But it does cost, sometimes. I've paid for that cost.
Shame... something that is taught way too easily and hard to recover from.