Hello

Thank you for dropping by my space!

I count myself a lifestyle blogger however, many of my posts cover deeper subjects including my battles with food, my struggles with the past and body image. I try to be as authentic as possible and I don’t sugar coat how I see things. 

High Emotions

High Emotions

High Emotions

Welcome to the fast filtered thoughts and emotions that float through my brain.

1.

Due to moving to a new country I find myself unable work. We moved here for my husband's job and it looked like I could work. Turns out that I can't. It has literally thrown me for a loop I feel like I can't get out of bed. I have no desire to do anything. Tonight he came home and I have continually torn a strip off of him every time he turns around. I feel like a horrible human being. I feel like I'm becoming my mother who yelled at dad almost the second he walked in the door. Except she choose the life of a stay at home wife then mother. I didn't. I hate that I'm treating him this way and I'm lost. How do I change my behavior? I feel like this is all I know.

Because of this I am filled with fear

Remember that you own what happened to you. If your childhood was less than ideal, you may have been raised thinking that if you told the truth about what really went on in your family, a long bony white finger would emerge from a cloud and point to you, while a chilling voice thundered, “We *told* you not to tell.” But that was then. Just put down on paper everything you can remember now about your parents and siblings and relatives and neighbors, and we will deal with the libel later on.
— Anne Lamott

I have mentioned in a few posts that I have been scared to write. I participated in Blogmas to avoid putting off what I wanted to write. Then someone in a support group posted that quote and all my fear came crashing down. Once the tears were dry. I realized that feat can't hold me back anymore. It's coming and it's all coming out.

2.

I do know that someone who should be valued in your life, looks at you, in your wedding dress for the first time and the first comment is "it's too bad you're not a size two like so-and-so", needs a hard lesson in body positivity. The pain that followed that event is terrible and unnecessary. That the person who said it, lives a very sad life. That their lack of body confidence is destroying other people's confidence and damaging them. I hope to never do that to someone I love.

3.

I baked a cake for my birthday Even though I had a depressing birthday post and not much happening, I wanted a cake. The pictures don't fit the post, but I wanted a cake. The last time I had a cake was my 17th birthday. It was bought. This cake was to be something more. I made it. It represents my pain. I made it. Shared two tiny pieces of it, ate the icing off. Cried over it. And then I threw it out.

It felt good.

4.

I'm having a hard time finding balance between blogging, reading, working out, and Kevin.I saw this on a blog post

It doesn't cost to be kind

But it does cost, sometimes. I've paid for that cost.

5.

Shame... something that is taught way too easily and hard to recover from.

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