The Battle with Food (trigger warning)
This was supposed to be a post about 21 Day Fix Eating Challenge. Instead it's not. It's about food and eating but as you can tell from the title it's about my battle. I have been purging food since I was 10. But my issues with food go beyond just simple purging. Growing up we had a hot meal two or three times a week. Otherwise it was to the fridge and leftovers. Always leftovers. Sometimes they sat in the fridge past their expiration date but still had to be eaten, because you couldn't afford to waste food.
Food is a battle. I will not eat leftovers. I hate cold food. Sandwiches are evil. Salads must be fresh, made with good greens and contain something hot.
Every time my mother went on a diet it meant either a week of smoothies or a week of salads. Not the kinds of smoothies you see today. But ice, apples, and either a banana or orange, with flax-seed or the latest oil. Now I can't do smoothies, because even if they are the amazing ones like greek yogurt, raspberries, protein powder, bananas and spinach. All I remember is the water down, chunky grossness and the need to purge is strong.
When I first moved out of my parents house, I discovered edible food I had never had access to. My main diet consisted of candy worms and Sobey's chicken pot pies. Sugar became my weakness. I love processed goodies. I craved it, I dreamed about it. I didn't throw it up. When you find something that doesn't make you throw up, you take it and never let it go. Not only is that terribly unhealthy for me, but my body craves more. I crave meat and food. Sugar now give me migraines. These cravings are new and weird, but I like them. And now I just need to figure out what to eat!!
Bread is one of the first things I turned to. Store bought carb deliciousness in almost any form, texas toast, cheesy rolls, french loafs; anything highly processed. The closer it is to 'natural formed bread' the further I run. This is also due to trigger, similar to the smoothies. Grinding our own flour to make thick heavy loafs of brown bread. Same with milk, I love skim milk, it's watered down, cold and satisfies the craving for milk but is nothing like the disgusting milk we use to get from straight from the cow.
I have successfully done the 21 Day Fix before. But at that time I was surrounded by a bunch of people who were doing it with me, we ate mostly at their houses and had a HUGE variety of food! It was wonderful and great. But now I am on my own and there are triggers everywhere and the emotions are strong. I don't know how to handle it.
I hate what my mom's body issues has done to food. I hate that she's still doing what she did to me to others. I hate that I am blaming her for my lack of strength. And like I said Monday
"Every step forward I take is one step further than I was before."
I am working.
I'll get there.