Scary, scary, scary

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I read very little now. It's a strange sensation and is going to make it hard to reach my goal of 100 books this year. But then again, this year is about personal growth and focusing on that is important. Being creative and exploring myself outside of the written word is a great way to do this. Also by changing what I read, which is mostly fantasy and fiction, I fill a hole I didn't know I had. Which is what lead me to picking up Big Magic Creative Living Beyond Fear. I started reading on the treadmill and 14 pages I stopped, because of a list of Scary things. The first section is called Courage and on page 12 in big letters is the words

Scary Scary Scary

and under those words is the list. It's a rather big list but these are the ones that got to me.

You're afraid you won't be taken seriously. You're afraid your work isn't politically, emotionally, or artistically important enough to change anyone's life. You're afraid you don't have the right kind of discipline. You're afraid you're too fat. (I don't know what this has to do with creativity, exactly, but experience has taught me that most of us are afraid we're too fat, so let's just put that on the anxiety list, for good measure) You're afraid of upsetting your family with what you might reveal. You're afraid of what your peers and coworkers will say if you express your personal truth aloud.

and lastly, the one that really got me

You're afraid of unleashing your innermost demons, and you really don't want to encounter your innermost demons.

I'd like to take those points and break it down for me. I haven't finished the book. In fact I might return it to the library and buy a copy so I can write in it. But those scary things need to be address and I'm having a hard time moving forward without address them.

You're afraid you won't be taken seriously.

Scary, Scary, Scary

As a blogger this one is easy to believe. While blogging has been around for 10 or so years now, people still don't understand that it can be a full-time thing. Nor do people realize how much work goes into blogging. Outside of creating posts, images, etc. There's the back-end to blogging, the promoting, coding, networking and so many more things. I am sure I could link you to dozens of websites outline the specifics. But the realities of it is, no one takes blogging as a serious job. And sometimes I have a hard time making it a full-time job. I have a hard time being consistent in my habits and maintaining a schedule. It's a work in progress thing and over time I am developing better habits. But it's definitely not an easy task. And when you are having trouble believing in yourself that means others can sense it and don't take you as seriously as you need to be.

You're afraid your work isn't politically, emotionally, or artistically important enough to change anyone's life.

Oh gosh... I've already had one experience where something I've written, an emotionally piece years and years ago was the cause of a huge family fight and caused a huge rift. I don't remember the post or what the issue was and it was so long ago that I no longer have that blog. But being politically in your writing is hard. Especially when you are writing about personal experiences. When I write about something, it's almost a guarantee that my siblings experienced it in a completely different way. A great example of that was a car accident as a child. I remember my sister getting a movie, some toys and lots of candy. While I was stuck in the hospital getting woken up every couple of hours and very alone. And she remembers me getting tons of flowers and presents and everyone talking about me and completely ignoring her. We're both right, because that was our experience but it makes it difficult to write about without offending someone.

All my posts are emotionally, I write a lot of personal family details. And I very much worry about how my words will affect my siblings. But I do it anyways because if they want, it will give them a better understanding about why I am not talking to our biological parents. I am not writing to change someone's life. I am writing to let people know they aren't alone but I worry that I do a poor job at that because I am not the best writer. I use simple words, a lot of "and", "because", and "so". Attempting to educate myself to be a better writer has been difficult and will be a forever work in progress I think. Which brings me to

You're afraid you don't have the right kind of discipline.

I was taught I was nothing more than a GIRL. Meant for nothing more but menial jobs and motherhood. The only reason my parents agreed for me to go to Hair School was because it was important to them that I could have a skill to do inside the home to help supplement my husbands income. Do you know how angry writing those sentences makes me feel? Being told I am nothing more than this one thing constantly over and over makes it hard to follow through and make something of myself. I want to be an artist, a great photographer, I want to be a beautiful writer and a great friend and so many other things! Getting those voices out of my head, is difficult.

You're afraid you're too fat.

(I don't know what this has to do with creativity, exactly, but experience has taught me that most of us are afraid we're too fat, so let's just put that on the anxiety list, for good measure)
Scary, Scary, Scary

I love the tag line written by the author after that sentence. Because it's true! What does your weight or body image have to do with your creativity? As a photographer my biggest and best subject is myself. Sometimes getting in front of the camera is difficult. Take these pictures for example, that hoodie makes me look huge!! You are only seeing my top choices, your also seeing me shooting outside in a public place for the very first time. So I didn't take my time with these photos and I didn't get the perfect shot I wanted, due to fear. So many compounding things went into that morning. Wearing white, is a weird trigger for me, my mother told me many, many times I can't wear white. "it washes me out and I look like a ghost" But white done right looks good. I wonder if you are raised with no body issues if this would be an issue, but I have yet to met such a woman.

You're afraid of upsetting your family with what you might reveal.

This is very close to the politically, emotionally, or artistically "fear" mentioned above. And all I have to add is that I write for me, so I can become a better person. I write for others with similar childhoods, to know they aren't alone. I write so my parents know how I feel, even though I am not talking to them and hopefully they will see what I mean and not treat my siblings still at home the way they treated me. And lastly I write so my siblings know they aren't alone, there's more to life than the trap they are in and that they can get out. They will be scarred but freedom exists.

You're afraid of what your peers and coworkers will say if you express your personal truth aloud.

This was actually easier when I was working because when people asked what I did, I could say "I'm a banker" and just skip the blogger part. People didn't generally find out I was a blogger until I was comfortable enough with them to tell them. This is difficult now that I am not working, and all I have to say is I'm a blogger. Because the next question out of their mouths is "what do you blog about". I no longer fit in the lifestyle category, that doesn't feel truthful. And when people realize what I blog about, all my baggage comes up for questioning. It's an interesting and weird turn of events. I haven't met or experienced much "friendship" since moving, mainly because I've enjoyed hiding. But that's starting to change. And I need to find a way to be comfortable.

You're afraid of unleashing your innermost demons, and you really don't want to encounter your innermost demons.

Oh inner demons. We met fairly often my demons and I. But putting that into a book or a story, which is my goal. It utterly terrifying. And I don't know how to write a story anymore. Fear, fear, fear. Scary, scary, scary. The desire to write a book encapsulates all the fears mentioned, but this one the most. How do I turn what I write now, into a story book? Into something publishable and to be proud of?

In this case my demons, my fears, my scary, scary, scary is winning. But that won't always be the case. For now I am going to finish Big Magic. I am going to write another post about it, in a few weeks. I'm going to keep moving forward and redefining myself. And I hope you, dear reader will join me.