Welcome to my breakfast

Welcome to my breakfast
Don't judge me
Eating food is hard for me. First I have to get the desire to eat without throwing it up. This process takes so long that, sometimes I start it at 730 in the morning but don't actually eat till 1130. And then I eat what my body craves and I don't care what it is as long as there's some nutrients getting in there. 
Every meal is a battle field.
I hate food. Some days I have no issues, I'm hungry, I eat. All is good And THEN

I wrote this two months ago, when I was struggling.

I still am struggling but now my breakfasts look more like this 

Welcome to my breakfast

When you are taught from a young age to not have a healthy relationship with food it carries with you. It's a big reason every fourth picture on my instagram is a picture of food. Because if I make the food look good enough for instagram, there's no way I can not eat it and not tell people it was amazing.

I don't want to be stuck in a never-ending cycle of crash diet, SUGAR, diet, SUGAR, diet, OMG more SUGAR. I grew up on a life connected by the impulses of others. And I don't want it to control me any longer. Will I fail along the way, absolutely. But what will also happen, is I will learn. I will learn to choose foods that satisfy my sugar cravings without giving up my healthy way of eating. Coconut sugar instead of white sugar, unsweetened apple sauce instead of butter, whipping cream without adding sugar and so much more. I have so much learning to do. Right now while not working I have the chance to explore food options and find out what I do and don't like.

And hopefully slowly I can change the pattern. Slowly teach my body it doesn't need to purge. And hopefully I can show others that it's possible. But mostly I hope I can show myself.