Kill Them With Kindness
I've been listening to this song Kill Them With Kindness by Selena Gomez. I have no idea if she wrote it herself but the lyrics really resonate with me.
The world can be a nasty place
You know it, I know it, yeah
We don't have to fall from grace
Put down the weapons you fight with
Kill 'em with kindness
see the rest here
Simple put, I don't know how to be kind. I'm fabulous at pretending. I'm good at putting on a show. Kevin's the longest kindness show I've put on and I struggle daily remembering my anger isn't at him. But how do you change a core aspect of your being? How do you grow something you weren't taught?
My character in D&D is a barbarian always gunning for a fight, constantly raging. Kevin's character is constantly redirecting her to kill characters "deserving" of death or utilizing her rage for something good, like a unified orphan thieves guild. It reminds me of my life greatly, it's almost a mirror image but in a fantasy setting. I am constantly trying to redirect my anger and rage away from the people who don't deserve it and put it towards good use. Writing for instance. I write it all out, so people know they aren't alone. So that I know I am not alone. So that the emotions can work their way out of me.
Then there's this song I think I'm in love by Kat Dahlia (the music video is soooo stupid BTW). The emotions of love are crazy. But I feel them! I feel them towards Kevin and not just him but myself! And the realization that I love myself is kinda crazy. But it's a struggle with being kind because being kind to myself is not an easy thing. Being kind to myself can also be seen as conceited, vain and so many other words. I was taught that being kind to myself, that self-love of any kind is vanity and outright wrong. You are not allowed to appreciate your awesome bootie, your thick thighs, that mole. You aren't allowed to look in the mirror and go "Damn girl, what a hottie". Because whether the world views you that way or not, Christianity says that's wrong. And how can you love someone else, if you don't love yourself? I love so much deeper and strong when I love myself.
Kindness though, I want kindness to come naturally and not be a conscious effort.