When Your Silence Speaks Volumes
I've sat here for days doodling in my notebook on how to approach this post, but it never gets any better. It's funny how the post that made me take my blogging break was around body shame and yet here I am again covering the same topic. Out of all my conversations with my Grandmother during her visit, the ones that stuck with me the most was her body shaming herself, my mother, my sisters, and me, and my very loud silence. It wasn't until about ten minutes later when she started to rehash it again that I said something, but by then I was already kicking myself for not knowing the right words to say the first time. It's hard to always have the right words on hand. I am not bothered by the fact that I wasn't ready the first round. The fact is, she spent the week body shaming. And the message was very clear.
She is ashamed of her "rolls". She is ashamed of my mothers size. She is so happy that my sisters and I are skinny. Though I am starting to let myself go.
After she left, my depression hit hard. I spent the next two weeks, eating less than 700 calories a day. Throwing up almost daily. Constantly nauseous, freezing, and nursing a migraine. The shame made me lose all the progress I had made. I struggled massively with my disorder. Constantly being told I am not good enough is not something I will accept anymore.
Because I am good enough.
The thing is, she had no right. My silence allowed her to continue shaming the women of my family. My silence spoke volumes to my sister, telling her that not only was it okay to talk like this, but that I believed it. My silence also told me that I still believed it.
I wrote in my recent favorites post about finding Body Positive people to follow on Snapchat because I realized that I am not a spokesperson for body positivity. I am not currently a positive force. And I need to change that. I need to work on that. I need to become that. I need to surround myself with women who believe in themselves, empower themselves, and trust in who they are.
I need to believe that I am good enough.
"I want you to know that you are deserving of love. And I don’t just mean the love [of] your family, partners and friends. You are deserving of love from yourself. You deserve to look in the mirror, stare yourself straight in the eyes and proclaim your love to yourself and mean it. You are deserving of your own love."
What I want all Women to Know - Way of Gray by Sophie Gray
If you have some time click that link by Sophie Gray to read her article and give yourself some self-love today.