Comfort in Knowing

I find comfort in knowing that people who I’ve cut out of my life are left with this version of me that simply doesn’t exist anymore. The memory and image of me that they have isn’t who I am, and I’m happy that it’s that way. I’ve changed and grown and they won’t ever get the chance to know the better version of myself that I’ve become during their absence.
— Unknown
comfort in knowing

You can read every word on my blog, but you would only know a part of me. You could have grown up with me but you might not have a clear picture of the person I am today. 

The fact is I have changed so much since I stopped working a traditional job and moved countries. Someday's I walk past the mirror and stare at this girl wondering who she is. Then I see the faint lines from smiling so much, the soft smooth skin because it's taken care of now, and the bright short hair. If it wasn't for my blog or Instagram I have a feeling that most of my friends and family back home won't recognize me.   

Daily yoga has changed my body. There's gaps and bones were there wasn't before. My neck is always cold as it's lost the protection from my long hair. But the biggest change is mentally. I wrote about love a few weeks ago. What I didn't talk about was hatred.

I have hated for years. It's been a dark hole, that was growing and growing until I met Kevin's family. With the help of his family and the love of friends, that spot has slowly been shrinking. Holding onto bitterness and hatred is only affecting you, others don't know your holding it. Overtime it becomes something physical. It can be seen in the tiredness of our bodies and the joy or lack of, that we exude. I am thankful that I have undergone so much mental change that I've been able to reverse the affects that it was doing on my body. 

The biggest reason I don't recognize myself besides the physical changes, is the happiness that I have surrounded myself with and the fact that there is no longer a dark thundering rain cloud over my head. 

My hatred has done much damage to relationships in the past. There is no way to repair those moments. However, I can take steps to prevent it from affecting the future. Part of combating hatred is learning to forgive and let go. The The biggest part of forgiving is learning that you don't have to let people who have harmed you back into your life, but you can let the hurt go. With some things, it's a daily choice to forgive and let go. Others are just a one time deal. 

This quote below isn't solely directed at my parents, but I do look forward to the day when I feel this way completely. When the forgive and let go, isn't a daily choice.

When he thought of his parents it was almost like they were old lovers, so distant now that he couldn’t even remember why the link to them had once seemed so real and urgent. They’d managed the neat trick of bringing up a child with whom they had absolutely nothing in common, or if there was something none of them had ever risen to the challenge of finding it.
Now they’d drifted so far apart that the silver thread connecting them had simply snapped. If he had a home anywhere, it wasn’t here.
— the Magician's Land by Lev Grossman

I take comfort in knowing that the person they hoped to raise is happy, loving and enriched regardless of the path they originally intend.