No Title... except maybe Depression is weird
Where to begin? The week started off good. It was the type of week that was full of ups and downs and by Wednesday more downs than ups. It wasn’t one thing and in fact it probably had nothing to do with any of the ups and downs that happened anyways.
Saturday, was just a normal day. Well I guess not normal. We went to a movie. Saw Spider-Man: Into the Spider Verse. Which is a good movie and I love almost anything animate. The theater was having a bad day. Their system was down and you couldn’t buy tickets or popcorn. Unless you did so online, but with an up-charge of $3 bucks there’s no way that was happening. We got in for free but still paid for our movie on our way out. Because while I won’t pay the unnecessary up-charge for online purchases, we’ve the privilege of a good income. So that was a good thing. Later we had D&D. My session notes covers the last 32 sessions of D&D and is 75 pages long, it takes forever to load. We were one man short and 2 out of the 3 present died, one twice, but health potions brought them back (we really need those in real life). It was a weird session, but a great way to spend a Saturday.
Sunday, I started a new class. In January I had taken the beginner series of the class and enjoyed it. This round I was one level up and an hour earlier. The class was not what I wanted it to be, I left hoping that the next five weeks won’t be repeats of the first session but harder and more indepth. We shall see.
Monday, was a weird day. We wanted to go to the gym, Kevin had a massage at noon, and I had a aerial class at 5. All of this on one car is a lot of driving. It’s one of the first times were I was thinking a second vehicle would make life easier. Instead we didn’t go to the gym and I picked up Kevin for his massage. While he got his massage I took myself out for lunch and read a book. Something I haven’t done in ages and it was so nice to do again. Later I want to my aerial class. This class I love and I hate. I feel very unsuccessful in it. It irks me and I struggle with figuring out what I need to do far too much. So I decided that this would be my last session and I would do two privates to decide if it was something I wanted to continue or if this particular art wasn’t for me. Telling that to the teacher and the other students was way harder than I imagined. I figured I could just brush past it but that so wasn’t the case. I came home and casually mentioned to Kevin that I felt the beginnings of a little black cloud coming on. However I am happy. Life is good, there’s also just this slow sense of impending doom in the back of my mind.
Tuesday, I want to clay class. I was so excited. All my work was for this class, the last one, the wrap up. I was finally going to see my three pieces, in an almost completed state and get to paint them. I arrived and discovered that, that was not the case. Honestly I just wanted to melt down right then. I was so frustrated, if my pieces weren’t done, why hadn’t they just emailed and said that and rescheduled the class for the following week. Which is what we ended up doing. Except that I was already present and having to physically talk to people instead of just dealing with it through email! Anyways we were giving the option of throwing some clay with the intention of not keeping it. So I decided to make the most of it but I think my attitude wasn’t right and everything I threw flopped terribly. I should have taken video… it was bad. I also hadn’t dressed to get dirty and cold and by the time I got home, I was dirty and cold.
Wednesday, attitude readjusted because there is literally no reason to be irritated, I get an additional clay class for free. I slept in and missed our time at the gym. So did Kevin. I want to be frustrated by this but I also think that listening to your body when you plan to work out is definitely a good thing and we needed the sleep, so sleep we did. I picked up a package, the thing I ordered is a little to big but workable and I want to love it. An email arrived with some fantastic news that totally made my day. Then I headed to another aerial class and had a great time, but it wasn’t a great time for everyone and afterwards I stood outside with another gal and we chatted for half an hour in the cold. Her fears are valid and they make my realize that while the circus community is amazing and very accepting it’s still far from perfect. Add in our own biases and it’s just not always fun.
Thursday, is when I realized that depression was there and it kinda sucked. I realized it because I laid on the couch doing literally nothing until I had to leave the house for an appointment. It was on the way onto the appointment when I realized I had forgotten to eat and it was past 2pm. My appointment was lovely and the two ladies I saw are always so awesome. They fill me full of compliments I just don’t even know what to do with it all. I picked up food to eat and came home.
There is still a huge sense of impending doom. Things have been going so well and I am just waiting for that thing to hit. That thing that tears it all down. When you have lived over half your life in a high adrenaline mood, it’s hard to be okay with happiness happening. Nothing about anything that happened these five days were super stressful compared to things I’ve dealt with in the past. Heck, even if all those things had happened in one day, I’ve dealt with worse. But the depression is there and happiness I also feel is there and it’s just a little bit confusing.