Peace and Depression

Peace is such an interesting concept. In today’s case I'm talking about finding peace with who you are, everything that's happened in your life so far, and your core beliefs. I would say somewhere in 2017 I found peace with my past. Things definitely still come up that I sometimes struggle with. Overall, I acknowledged that my childhood was pretty shitty, but it is not going to rule my life and affect who I am today. This has been pretty life changing. I am more comfortable in my skin and in my decisions. Boundaries I have set have been maintained and happiness is the main emotion I feel. Simple put, life is pretty awesome.

However depression is still a demon I am dealing with. It's an interesting thing being at peace with life but still having bouts of depression following me around. Peace didn't cure it, but it did change how it looked. My depression no longer is a thing to rave about, it's no longer attached to rage or memory. It's just a hormonal change that sometimes means I feel excessively sad. This actually makes it harder to deal with, because there's nothing to address anymore. I can't reflect and make it better. I can only continue with my daily self care and be aware that this is a small part of who I am. In the grand scheme of things depression might affect me but it doesn't stop me.

The other day someone told me that they hoped I find peace. Immediately I rushed in to defend myself and explain that I had, and how, and this, and blah, blah, blah. Thinking about it afterwards, I am slightly annoyed with myself. There was no reason to defend what I've found. That particular person might think I haven't found peace because peace looks different to them. They see very little of who I am and rarely in day-to-day life. It made me realize also that there are different levels of peace. In my case, level one might be considered finding peace with my childhood. Level two peace with being a stay at home wife and hating cooking. I have no idea what level three might be. I haven't yet crossed that bridge. Maybe it will be that I will never write a book, who knows. The fact is, peace means different things to different people and there are multiple things you have to find peace in. How, when, and why are not things you need to explain or defend.

I’ve started writing again. This might seem like a strange thing to say, considering I have a blog history of 10+ years. But I find there is quite a difference between blogging and just writing for yourself. My blog has always been a place I write to heal and sometimes my writing has hurt others. Rarely (though it has happened more than once) it’s been done so on purpose. The reality is that my blog space has been about being heard. Being heard has been a huge part of healing. I didn’t feel heard so I screamed it online. Slowly, I figured out how to better communicate, forced the hand of the person not hearing me, or discovered that I no longer needed to be heard by that person. Something I think is super important when dealing with any human is ensuring that they know you are truly listening to what they say, especially when they haven’t yet figured out the language to express themselves properly. Even now, after months and years of self reflection and study, I still don’t usually have the language to express how I feel, but writing helps me figure it out until I can be vocal. Blogging has helped me get those words across. And even though I do it poorly the majority of the time, it helps.

When I say I am writing again, I mean for myself. I am in a place where I am heard and safe, so now I can write about the other things I have always dreamed or thought about. These words have surprised me, because after first giving myself permission to write everything, the words that came out were none that had ever been expressed out loud or on paper. They were words that, most times, I did my best to not even think about. Words that were deeply crushing on the soul. Now you might wonder what on earth those words have to do with finding peace. I’d love to tell you some antidote about how writing it out chased the demon of the past away and now I never think (or try not to think) on it and I’m healed. I am not going to lie to you and say it’s a miracle and all is well, because that just isn’t the case. Instead those actions let me face the demon head on. Not always a pleasant or safe thing to do (therapy is fantastic), but I did it. However, I could not destroy it. At this point, I have no idea how to destroy the demon or if it is just going to line up beside depression and PTSD and be present for the rest of my life. I don’t know and it really doesn’t matter. What I do know is that by facing it, bringing that fear into the light, it’s not so scary anymore. It’s like a Hollywood prop, scary in the movie and just sad in reality, and I can live with it just hanging out with the rest of my demons, I know who they are.

To be here, at peace with my demons walking behind me and writing things that have nothing to do with them since they aren’t important anymore, is pretty awesome. I’ve come full circle, the dreams that have been floating around in my head, never spoken about are coming into reality. Maybe I’ll get around to writing that book I mentioned. Or maybe I’ll write those demons right on out of my life. Peace is a long process and each day is different, but it is possible and looks different for everyone. If you’re struggling with your demons, it gets better with work, it just usually looks a lot different than we think.

I'm a lifestyle blogger, covering deep subjects including body images, battles with food, and overcoming how I was raised. I try to be as authentic as possible and I don’t sugar coat how I see things.